Well, I've been depressed. And in pain. And every time I open up blogger the giant blank white page is just too much pressure.
I got my disability denial letter last week. Which is a huge blow and even though I was trying *SO* hard to prepare myself for that outcome I still keep bursting in to tears. I won't go into details about the denial, because I am stuck in the same court for the remainder of the proceedings. But I will tell you that I received my denial on Thursday. Cried about it all day Friday, unable to do anything with the information. My lawyer called me on Saturday night, from his home, the night before Easter. He was so angry he couldn't believe the things that were included.
I had said I wouldn't appeal if I wasn't approved after the hearing. But I guess I'm appealing. And my lawyer told me to expect another 9-12 months of waiting. Which is just unbelievable. I owe money for my bone marrow biopsy, for imaging. Ugh. I just can't even think about it.
My pain levels in my back have been out of control. This last 30 day cycle has been the first time I've ever used all of my prescribed pain medication. I actually ran out a week early, which included using up the tail end of the previous month's pills. There were several nights where I laid in bed sobbing because I was in SO MUCH pain and the pain medication was doing nothing.
At pain management this month she ordered x-rays and doubled my dose of oxycodone. Which is actually strong enough to knock out my pain. On the downside it makes me feel like a complete zombie. I can't take it if I have to drive, or if I'm going somewhere with my family where it's socially unacceptable to stare off into space with glazed eyes. Awesome. I hate this. I hate being in so much pain that I can't just *deal* with it. I hate needing pain medication. I hate that there isn't a better answer than "Here have some narcotics."
I am running on empty. I have nothing left at this point. But I have to dig deep and find more to give. I have two active kids who need an able mom. They're both playing ball this season. Boy child's first year of t-ball, oh how hilarious it is to watch the little 3 and 4 year olds fight each other for the ball instead of work as a team. And Girl child's second year playing fast pitch softball. She's grown so much in a year and I'm so proud of her. It's awesome to watch her turn plays that last year would have rolled right by her as she played in the dirt.